Aiyaz Crystal Wine Glasses

Persian Carpet Glass

Perfect

Perfect

I was searching for my dream job. It had to be interesting with good pay and decent hours. So, I answered a local newspaper ad for what I thought was my ideal vocation--pet sitting! I loved dogs, the schedule was flexible, and the salary was $17 an hour: twice the usual hourly rate. So it was perfect.

The interviewer said, “The duties are walking, feeding, playing and medicating the animals. An occasional vet visit might be required also.”

Easy, I thought.

She was not talking just about dogs or cats, however.

“Turtles, guinea pigs, bunnies, ferrets and frogs are included,” she informed me.

I had no experience with those, but I had read about and observed them. Turtles carried salmonella; guinea pigs were bulgy-eyed, twitching rodents who spent their lives riding teeny Ferris wheels. Bunnies left pellets in my yard, and they ripped my flowers apart. The ferrets my lab-mix Velvet and I had seen in our vet’s waiting area were odd and creepy. I didn’t know much about frogs; I usually avoided them because they were somehow related to warts. I have always enjoyed the ‘rib-it’ sounds they make, though.

Some cats required insulin. The employer would supply an orange for me to practice on. This concerned me; I feared that someone’s beloved feline might go into diabetic shock because I had accidentally administered three times the recommended dose.

The ferret enjoyed bubble baths, and the turtle could not be placed in water exceeding 98 degrees—Yuk.

“What about dogs?” I asked.

I pictured a doll-faced Yorkie, a charming Golden Retriever, an adorable Maltese.

She said, “Some of our clients own Rottweilers and Pit Bills.”

My mind screamed,

“OY VEY,” but I said,

“Great,” trying to keep the squeak out of my voice.

I envisioned a ‘Rottie,’ as she referred to them and a ‘Pit’: the salivating, grinning Rottie was tearing off my head, and the snarling, opaque-eyed Pit was crushing my face. Cesar Millan, TV’s Dog Whisperer, referred to Rotties and Pits as ‘Red Zone’ breeds. Even Cesar found them challenging. His ‘Red Zone’ analogy produced images of Stephen King’s Dead Zone and Rod Serling’s Twilight one because that’s where I’d be if I had to pet sit those monsters.

“Can you multi-task? Multi-tasking is necessary because clients own security systems which sometimes malfunction,” she explained.

This term snuck into every interview. And I always pictured a Paris Hiltonish blond, driving 80mph on the Pacific Coast Highway in a custom Bentley. She was applying makeup, texting fifteen of her closest pals, flirting with the driver in the next lane and blow-drying her foot-long platinum hair extensions.

My multi-tasking skills consisted of walking, talking, and drinking a tall cup of Starbuck’s while I avoided running into oncoming traffic.

.

“It’s possible that while you’d be injecting Garfield’s insulin and cleaning up Bugs bunny’s pellets, the alarm would sound, and you’d have to calmly notify the owners, the security company and reassure the pets.”

Calmly? I pondered…

The siren-like shriek of a security system run-amok assaulted my thoughts. I saw a bewildered bunny, a catatonic cat, a freaky ferret and a petrified pug named Pluto who was peeing on a priceless Persian carpet. I ran like a crazed corgi, searched for the cat’s pulse, held my ears and watched Pluto chase Bugs, as they escaped out the front door. They collided with Fonzie the ferret, who was smacked against the wall. Fonzie landed in a cross-eyed dazed heap on the rug, while the berserk machine screeched uncontrollablely. Then the outraged owners arrived with a shotgun pointed at my head.

The interviewer interrupted my reverie. I honestly believed this job couldn’t get any worse.

I was wrong.

“Recently, a burglary occurred at a client’s home.”

“Really?” I actually wasn’t too surprised; my interest in being hired had plummeted.

A robber had smashed a client’s window before the pet sitter had arrived. This criminal had escaped from a minimum security prison 20 miles away and was caught a few hours later. The sitter had filed a police report, notified the owners cleaned the broken glass and returned the next day to let the repair people in.

My interest totally evaporated, as I stifled the urge to find the closest exit... the robbery anecdote was like a mid-February dip into Lake Erie: startling and unbearably chilling.

The interviewer’s consistently smiling demeanor told me that she believed she was presenting a great work environment. Did she think vicious beasts, imperfect security systems, robberies, creepy rodents and insulin were ‘perks? I thought it sounded like a war zone.

My perfect job had become a tsunami:dangerous and overwhelming.

The odd critters and even the multi-tasking might have been challenging. But criminals were not —they were something I never wanted to encounter. It was too dangerous and not worth $17 or even $117.

So, I will keep seeking the ideal job—interesting work and good working conditions with decent pay-- but I have some new requisites: I want to arrive home from work in the same condition I left – sane and…alive.

~ ~ ~

About the Author

Former teacher, musician, wife and mother

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